The phone rang.
It wasn’t the call the “soon-to-be mama of four” was expecting. She looked down at her phone and saw that it was her doctor’s office ringing in. With her three other small boys giggling and running under foot she quickly answered the phone. To her surprise it wasn’t the office administrator or the nurse on the other end of the line.
She could feel her breath began to quicken and her heart begin to race as she heard the calm, but concerned voice of her OB/GYN on the other end of the phone. That young mother braced herself and sunk slowly into the oversized chair as she
hoped for the best and feared the worst.
With an anxious heart and a wiggling belly, she soon discovered that her baby had an extra chromosome. In an instant, without any preparation she became the parent of a special child with very special needs.
Uncontrollable tears filled her eyes and sadness and grief overtook her as she began to imagine what her precious boy’s life might look like. She grieved the UNKNOWN... she wept over the FUTURE.
When she had no more tears to cry she ARGUED.
She argued with herself, but mostly she argued with GOD.
Everything inside of her screamed…
Why my precious boy?
After the initial shock of the unexpected news she found herself sitting in the hospital waiting for the results of further testing. She felt almost disconnected from her own body as disbelief echoed through every part of her being. Tears stung her face as they rolled down her cheeks. She was caught up in her own tragedy— her OWN heartache.
As she stared out the window of the towering hospital she saw another mother pushing HER very own boy in a wheelchair. The boy was very disfigured-- his age indistinguishable.
Her heart broke yet again and the Lord whispered,,,,
“Lauren, why NOT you?”
Oh the conviction that came rushing in as the Lord whispered to MY hurting heart.
The unearthing of so much pride. “Did I really feel like I was the exception?”
That somehow I would get to escape the brokenness and heartache of this earthly life? Maybe if I am gut honest I DID feel like the Lord owed me something-- even typing those words makes me cringe inside.
I began asking: “Is God not faithful to the woman walking into the hospital? The one
I will never know but never forget? Was God not faithful to her precious boy?”
Is His faithfulness ONLY a reflection of what is GOOD and BEAUTIFUL in our lives? Or does His faithfulness have NOTHING to do with our circumstances?
Our God is both GOOD and FAITHFUL.. because that is WHO HE IS.... in the midst of our circumstances... THROUGH our circumstances because that is the character of God.
You see, I knew the faithfulness of my Savior. I had experienced it countless times before. But my felt response was one of ABANDONMENT.
Reluctantly, with bitter tears running down my face I began to lift my fearful hand in surrender.
Raw, gut-wrenching SURRENDER.
SURRENDER to the One who had made me.
SURRENDER to my Savior.
To HIM who had held me time and time again and would continue to
hold me and my boy in HIS lovingkindness.
My hand began to shake.
As the grief and the reality of this busted-up world washed over me I was reminded of God the Father’s own gift of salvation through HIS SON JESUS. After all, He gave His only SON for the salvation of mankind. He went to the cross for ME. He went to the cross for MY BOY… and my heart began to soften even more. The rough edges of my discontent began to ease as I leaned in closer to the faithfulness of God and rested in His goodness.
Sitting openhanded in my brokenness at the feet of my loving Savior I uttered a hushed whisper as I lifted my trembling hand and hurting heart in surrender…
“Thy Will be Done…”
Surrender can be a slow, sometimes grueling process.
Surrender isn’t the product of our rectified circumstances.
Surrender changes the posture of our hearts.
Surrender costs something. It requires us to place our dependence squarely at the feet of our Savior instead of in our own sufficiency.
Given the chance, I would change my boy’s diagnosis in a heartbeat. But I will tell you there is joy even amongst the heartache— BEAUTY among the ashes.
There is beauty in the tenderness and empathy that has developed in my older boys as a result of loving someone with special needs. They are kinder, more attentive because they know Nolan.
There is beauty watching the way my Nolan’s face lights up when he smiles or the feeling of his chubby arms wrapped around my neck. His content nature reminds me to slow down and savor the ordinary. Nolan has taught me that there is so much life in the every-day and so much beauty found there too.
There is beauty in my own life as I have developed an intimacy and dependence on the Lord that comes from wrestling with Him through valleys of heartache.
This morning while taking in the changing seasons and feeling the cool breeze blow against my face I sat looking at one of those beautiful gifts swinging in the sunlight…
There is a rhythm to our changing seasons. The seasons that make up our calendar are both constant and still ever-changing. It is not much different than the seasons of our lives — seasons that we choose and seasons that we would trade if we could. Seasons that the Lord allows us to walk through. But the constant is that the same Creator who holds all things together also holds me and you in His hand.
In this season…in every season may we choose THANKSGIVING knowing that our thankfulness stems from a SURRENDERED heart.
Choose Him regardless of your circumstances.
Choose him when fear surges like a flood.
He will bring about beauty for ashes!
He is Faithful!
I am a Christ follower. Wife. Boy mom. I love adventures, traveling and beautiful words.